The Universal Preference Card
SatireService: All of themFacility: Wherever you woke up today
Surgeon
Surgeon name: [REDACTED]
Gloves: 7.5 (today, probably) · Music: His
Will convert to open; we do not speak of this.
Notes
Scheduled time: 45 min · Block: 4 hours.
0730 start. He arrives 0835, scrubbed and annoyed the room “isn't ready.” It's been ready since 0715.
Time-out: you run it perfectly. He answers the name check with “yep” and scrolls his phone through site verification.
“Quick case.” Three hours appear from nowhere.
Positioning
- —However you position it, he will reposition it himself, sigh, then put it back exactly where you had it.
- —Bed height: wrong. Adjust until correct. You will not find correct.
- —Whatever's tucked, he'll ask why it's tucked. Whatever's out, he'll want it tucked.
- —"This should be quick." Open the long table. Open the second long table.
Room
- —62°F for him, hypothermia for the patient. Patient wins. He does not lose gracefully.
- —His playlist, loud enough to mishear the one count that matters.
- —Lights off → on → "who turned the lights on."
- —A piece of equipment "just in case." It is never just in case.
Instruments
- —His personal scissors, the taped ones. Never the good scissors.
- —A driver he'll only call "the right one."
- —The setup is correct. He rearranges it into the identical setup and calls it better.
- —One. Wait, maybe 7 instruments that does not exist. Nod. Hand him a Kelly. He accepts it. "Perfect."
Prep & Drape
- —Prep wide. "Why so wide." Prep narrow. "I can't see anything." There is no correct border.
- —Three-minute dry time. He says "that's good" at ninety seconds. You work for the clock, not him.
- —Big drape goes on correct. He flips it. It was correct. Now it's also correct, but his.
- —Bovie and suction clipped exactly where he wants them. He moves them. Asks who moved them.
Sutures
- —Whatever you opened, he wanted the other one. Open the other one. He wanted the first.
- —"The other one." There is no other one. You open another one. He uses the first.
- —Skin closure decided in real time, out loud, twice, landing on the one you didn't open.
Specimens
- —Dropped in your field, no name, no site: "you know what this is." You don't. You label it correctly anyway, under oath, in ink.
- —"Send it fresh." You hold the fresh cup. "Why isn't it in formalin." He wanted it fresh. Eleven seconds ago.
- —5:55 PM: "let's get a frozen." You make the call and absorb the sigh from both ends of the phone at once.
- —"Don't lose it," said about a 3mm node, to the one person who has never lost a specimen, over the open biohazard bag.
Counts
- —Initial: correct.
- —He adds a lap off the field "real quick."
- —"It's not in there," said with total certainty by the one person who cannot possibly know that. It is, statistically, often in there.
- —Final: a personal journey for everyone in the room.
Closure
- —Suddenly urgent. He's narrating to the resident, dictating in his head, and asking who moved the Bovie. You did. Where he wanted it.
Dressing
- —"Just a simple dressing." You build simple. "Where's the abd pad." You add it. "Why's it so bulky." Because of the abd pad. The one he requested. Nine seconds ago.
- —Dated, timed, initialed in ink. He looks right at it and asks when it was placed.
Universal Hints
- —No eye contact. Ever.
- —If he goes silent, you're open. Open the tray you already opened.
- —"We definitely won't need it" = set it up.
- —"Almost done" has no relationship to time as you understand it.
- —Glove size changes with his mood. 7.5 today. Probably.
- —Warm irrigation. "This is cold." It is not cold. You warmed it. It is not cold.
Post-op — The Review
- —He's in the hallway calling it "textbook" before the resident starts closing. You're still counting. You're always still counting.
- —Sign out time. He's already out the door.
Satirical content for entertainment purposes only. This output is fictional and does not reflect actual clinical practice, real surgeon behavior, or real facility procedures. It must not be used in any clinical context or interpreted as factual guidance. The developer and operator of Scrubulate assume no liability of any kind for outcomes arising from use or misuse of this content.